Poor TTB. They have to make a decision about every cotton-picking label that comes down the pike. And every now and then they have to bite their tongue and affirmatively approve labels they might otherwise prefer to ignore. By contrast, FDA can simply ignore all the inconvenient labels.
But for the requirement to review and approve every alcohol beverage label before it goes to market, TTB could have tried to ignore the naked lady in flagrante delicto on the Cantillon label. The State of Missouri was not amused and filed a complaint, in the late 1990s, charging that the label is obscene: “The label for Gambrinus shows a drawing of a naked woman, with breasts visible, seated on the lap of a figure alleged to be Gambrinus, the Flemish mythological ‘king of beer.'” After a hearing, the Commissioner apparently decided the label did not violate Missouri law, and other states came to a similar conclusion.
The Commissioner had the choice to ignore the label. The current federal law often leads directly to TTB affirmatively approving a motley collection of Leghumpers and Ball Busters. Somehow I doubt the drafters of the FAA Act envisioned this scenario.
How Hard Is Mike's Punch?
It wasn’t so very long ago that TTB would not allow anything like an alcohol content claim, on beer, unless the states required it. The turnabout is quite remarkable, since Coors sued to change the law back in the mid-1990s. Here is a Mike’s Harder Punch label that declares itself to be “hard” no less than seven times in a few square inches, with a couple of fists to drive the point home. It is “Mike’s Hardest Punch Yet.”
Thankfully, the label doesn’t make us guess how hard. It comes right out and explains that it’s 9.9% alc./vol., about double normal beer. The label also sports a “Warning” other than the mandated warning. TTB does not often allow extra warnings (pregnant lady warning) but will do so from time (no kids warning) to time (flammable warning).
Drunken Animals
TTB typically does not allow wine labels to say much about the alcohol content or strength — except in the normal alcohol by volume statement.
So we were surprised that The Drunken Goat, and his n’er-do-well friend, Le Drunk Rooster, would show up on a couple of wine labels. We pretty much expected them to show up, sooner or later, on a spirits label. But not on a wine or beer label, where TTB has historically and fairly vigorously discouraged alcohol content claims.
While the goat and rooster are carousing around, notable is the absence of any drunk humans out and about on approved labels. Unless you count this guy, the toothless fellow on the label for Rocky Mountain Moonshine Sippin’ Hooch. It is distilled from beets and the label suggests “Once tasted, you too will become hooked!” Box 19 surprisingly declares that “The man is no longer ‘drunk’ appearing.” If he’s sober I’d like to see the other version.
Onion Wine
Is it safe to assume wine is made from grapes? Not really. Is it safe to assume wine is made from fruit? Apparently not, as indicated by River Myst’s onion wine. It is fermented from 55% onions, 27% potatoes, and 18% raisins.
Jailhouse is another example of a wine with very little “fruit” and a little bit of raisin. It is 90% honey, 9% orange, 1% raisin, and spices.
P*rt Wine
If you are lucky enough to have a wine approved before 2006, you can call it Port. But if it’s made outside Portugal and you don’t have an approval before 2006, you are out of luck and will have to find another name.
Schatz Farms went so far as to show a “USB port” and call it “USB” when foreclosed from simply calling their Lodi dessert wine “Port.” The label says the US:
signed an im____ant agreement with the European Union to protect ____ugal’s geographical indication of this type of wine. Our Unidentified Secret Brand is therefore no mystery wine. . . .
Kobalt refrained from calling their Napa Valley dessert wine “Port” and instead described it as “wine made in the same ‘old world tradition’ as that of the country to the west of Spain.” Another example is here: Not Starboard.
By contrast, for an example of a California wine “grandfathered” and therefore able to brandish the term Port, there is Portacinco Port. TTB approved it with this qualification:
Approved under the “Grandfather” Provision of the Agreement between the U.S. and the EC on Trade in Wine, by enacting the Tax Relief and Health Care Act of 2006, signed on 12/20/2006.
Beer with Popcorn and Malted Milk Balls
Beer. With. Vegetables. Popcorn. Fruit. Spices. Raisins. Honey. And Malted Milk Balls.
Wow.
Eccentric indeed. If anyone (excluding this joker) drank a whole bottle and lived to tell about it, please confess below.
