speaks for itself

A short while ago I went to see why “that easy label” is still pending, after filing it while snow was still on the ground and waiting well past spring, into summer. I was shocked* and horrified to see the above. The average processing time for spirits labels is now, as of today, way past a month or two. I am startled to see it’s past 100 days. I don’t recall it ever getting past 45 days or so, back in the days of shutdowns, Rep. Gingrich fighting with President Clinton, Tea Partiers fighting President Obama, and so forth. I find myself talking about the same pending labels, over and over again, week after week and month after month.

It is starting to feel like a crisis for many spirits companies, so far as I can tell. Maybe the big ones can plan around this and tolerate this, but waits of this magnitude are devastating for most companies, from what I can see. Why all of a sudden? Wasn’t the power of the internet and computers, and streamlining, supposed to do approximately the opposite? For those highly interested, we have an internally prepared chart showing how this has gradually or not so gradually gotten worse over the past 7 years. It is available...

This one caught my eye as quite a bit unusual. It is spirits with added mushrooms, sea lettuce, parsnips and other root vegetables. It is Durt-brand spirits, produced by Melkon Khosrovian, and is not to be confused with Root-brand spirits. I don’t see much on the label or on the web to suggest what it tastes like, or how it is to be used, except where the label says “packed full of the umami flavor.” Wikipedia explains that umami is one of the five basic tastes along with salty, sweet, sour, and bitter, and “can be described as a pleasant ‘brothy’ or ‘meaty’ taste with a long lasting, mouthwatering and coating sensation over the tongue.” Not to be left out of the umami-fest, here is a beer with plenty of umami, and a wine/sake “bursting with umami goodness.”

Turning against the tide of a great many cake and candy flavored vodkas, this brand has cut in the direction of something rather surprising — tobacco flavored vodka. Credit to Robert Back of International Spirits (Jacksonville, Florida) for pulling this off. It probably was not easy, and it comes complete with a disclaimer that THIS PRODUCT DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY TOBACCO OR NICOTINE. The regular, flavored vodka version is here. The menthol version is here (distilled spirits specialty). The company explains:

“With over 45 million people in the United States identifying themselves as smokers, our new tobacco flavored vodkas will be sure to find a niche in the already crowded flavored vodka market,” said International Spirits’ CEO Tony Elward. “We’re also confident that non-smokers will enjoy the new tobacco flavor product as our customers are always looking for the next big thing.” Ivanabitch Traditional Tobacco Vodka features a bold taste of smoky vanilla blended with sweet caramel. The Menthol Tobacco Vodka features the same taste as the Traditional Tobacco Vodka with a hint of mint. A product of the Netherlands, all flavors of Ivanabitch are formulated using all-natural flavorings, are 70 proof and five times distilled and then filtered over active charcoal.

Although I don’t think anyone should hold their breath...