risqué

It’s not just the bikinis. Honestly. It’s also the heathens in the background, the witty writing, the just-right art. In very little time and space, this label tells quite a story. The back label for the 2008 Cycle Buff Beauty Australian Malbec intones:

Like a 32 inch waist in a fat man store, Misfit Wine Co. doesn’t fit in. … The Cycle Buff Beauty, a tale of escape. How two exquisite beauties escape the clutches of heathen hands that would nave otherwise squeezed all life from their precious bodies. This Malbec Shiraz is a tribute to those who held onto their precious rose and escaped the clutches of those who just don’t know.

I wasn’t sure what to think about this raw tale. The fenceviewer blog tries to size it up, saying:

Cycle Buff Beauty is, beyond doubt, the kookiest wine we have ever sampled. Also, one of the better ones. … Goes well with steak; ideally suited for brontosaurus. … It is almost as full-bodied and raucous as the bodacious babes on the label. … [It] has attitude [and] astonishing label art.

This story of narrowly escaped rape and murder probably would not be shocking on a TV show in this day and age, but it still makes for a very...

The industry submits a large number of “bastard” labels. From 2000-2009, TTB approved 124 labels featuring this word in the brand or fanciful name. This is about six times the number of such labels approved from 1980 to 2000. This is another example of how TTB has tended to ease up in certain areas, and will allow terms a bit more racy than many expect.

Cheap Bastard Red Wine is bottled by Pedrizzetti Winery of Morgan Hill, California. Backwoods Bastard is Ale Aged in Bourbon Barrels, bottled by Canal Street Brewing, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. We probably wouldn’t bother to comment on the preponderance of “bastard” labels. But the numbers are growing, and some of them have more issues going for them, apart from the naughty word. Arrogant Bastard Ale has some better than usual writing on the back label:

This is an aggressive ale. You probably won’t like it. It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth. We would suggest that you stick to safer and more familiar territory — maybe something with a multi-million dollar ad campaign aimed at convincing you it’s made in a little brewery, or one that implies that their tasteless fizzy yellow...

Did you ever wonder what Spanky (aka George McFarland) would drink? Neither did we, until we saw this rash of wines devoted to and inspired by spanking. It’s tough to beat Smack My Ass & call me Sally. It is red wine bottled by Clos La Chance of San Martin, California. The whole world wide web is insufficient to the task of explaining this term’s origin; the trail stops here. (Speaking of which, the small image at upper right is courtesy of All Things Spanking, and nobody should be surprised there is a site devoted entirely to “eclectic adult spanking.”) Spank Me Pink is red wine with no appellation, produced by Lac Belle Amie of Elizabethtown, North Carolina. The Sisters patiently explain “when she’s good she’s bad, and when she’s bad she’s even better.” Refusing to be left out of the action, Tyranena Brewing slaps a Spank Me Baby! sticker on its barleywine ale labels. In a stunning coincidence, we learn that long after Our Gang wrapped up in the 1940s, Spanky spent his later years selling — wine.