sexual

Perhaps I should have known these labels were about something other than a “British Star of Stage” or a male chicken. But somebody needed to tell me they were also about . . . male body parts. It just so happens there are a lot of alcohol beverage labels about male body parts, all of a sudden. Since this blog tries to cover a wide variety of issues pertaining to alcohol beverages, we thought we would hold them back no longer. We have decided to start gingerly, with these two rather genteel labels, before going quite a bit further in coming days. Consider this your warning to avert your gaze if need be. It is not for nothing that they are called adult beverages. And it is not always the lady parts that get all the attention on alcohol beverage labels. Both John Thomas Red and The Devil’s Rooster are beer made by Manchester Brewing of Concord, New Hampshire. The first term is explained here. I am not certain that the second is about the same, though a friend tells me it is (and what else could it suggest?). I am, however, quite sure this overtly risque label is about the same general topic.

One might assume that beer + naked women is a nearly unstoppable combination. But it did not work out that way for Coast Range Brewing. It looks like the Gilroy, California purveyor of Nude Beer is long gone. Their last COLA was in 2006 and their last Nude Beer approval was in 2004. There is no sign of the company at the web address above. In all, the company got about 23 approvals for Nude Beer before fading away. Coast Range provides a clear lesson that it takes a lot more than unclothed women to sell beer. In case it’s not obvious from the above image, the idea is that you buy the beer and then peel off part of the label to reveal a woman with little if any clothing. A slightly blurred example is at the end of this sentence but don’t click it if you don’t want to see nudity. This kind of stickering is a good option for companies that want to show something more than the government and retailers might otherwise allow. We wanted to capture it before it fades into ancient history. This also shows that the system has a lot of checks and balances, such as the market, and the government doesn’t need to carry the entire...

It’s not just the bikinis. Honestly. It’s also the heathens in the background, the witty writing, the just-right art. In very little time and space, this label tells quite a story. The back label for the 2008 Cycle Buff Beauty Australian Malbec intones:

Like a 32 inch waist in a fat man store, Misfit Wine Co. doesn’t fit in. … The Cycle Buff Beauty, a tale of escape. How two exquisite beauties escape the clutches of heathen hands that would nave otherwise squeezed all life from their precious bodies. This Malbec Shiraz is a tribute to those who held onto their precious rose and escaped the clutches of those who just don’t know.

I wasn’t sure what to think about this raw tale. The fenceviewer blog tries to size it up, saying:

Cycle Buff Beauty is, beyond doubt, the kookiest wine we have ever sampled. Also, one of the better ones. … Goes well with steak; ideally suited for brontosaurus. … It is almost as full-bodied and raucous as the bodacious babes on the label. … [It] has attitude [and] astonishing label art.

This story of narrowly escaped rape and murder probably would not be shocking on a TV show in this day and age, but it still makes for a very...